Chronicles of a HeadCase.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6604775898578139565

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SbjAanvUqs

You watch as they lose themselves more and more, sipping on chalice of sinful malicious poisons. Throwing away all reason for a season of mindless mirth. What nocturnal creatures could find humor in such ludicrous white discussion and not to mention a complete disarray of sentence without a sense of penance in the world. And out of sheer ressentiment, you intervene.

You have passed judgement… why do some of us envy another’s mindless rage and passion for the destructive nihilistic war path to self devastation? Because we do not allow ourselves to be that way, the control is so painful sometimes, the pain itself seems to provoke the control and ultimately who we are… the conflict does not lie with those who lose themselves in whatever intoxications they can muster, but the watcher who chooses to intefere with another’s way of life is the one who impose their values and judgement. For who are we to determine how one chooses to live or die?

In case you were wondering, i’m usually the one getting intoxicated

Loneliness… the feeling that made you want to be with someone to begin with. But now, after so long being with him/her, you feel even more alone. Alone because the one who is supposed to understand you, doesn’t, Solitude because what you like and what you want doesn’t seem to matter to him/her, and Cold because the heat and warmth that was once there has been replaced by anger and resentment. Alone and afraid to let go, hope feels like a song you haven’t heard in a long time, and when that tune plays in your mind, you wander to somewhere long ago. Long ago where once you might have been happy?

Then, out of nowhere, temptation comes along in the form of a fresh and juicy fruit. The temptation is perfect in every way, glistening and reflective, warm and happy to the touch. This is truly a heavenly bliss where nothing can go wrong… at least it would appear so to you. The apples in the supermarkets always look perfect and fresh because they are waxed on the outside to preserve its looks on the outside. However, you will find that after the first bite, and enough time passed, it will lose its luster and and its flesh will turn from a glistening white to a dullish brown. So… then what do you do? If each boat we jump is from one slow cooker to another, whats the point? The point is if you have gone thru this once, twice, too many times… then you are the problem. You are not happy with yourself and that is why you pretend to be someone you are not, someone to make him/her happy, someone to do what is necessary to be accepted… wanted. Then that someone you pretended to be becomes a prison to who you are, so you run away to the next temptation after another, but only to find you are merely breaking our of your cell, but not your prison. and your prison is you.

From the day we are born we view this world from our perspective, a perspective where we seem to be the center of this reality. All that appears real to us is what we want, what we feel and what we think. Selfish nature seems to be innate within our brains and yet as we age, some of us develop a selfless nature for we learn to see from the perspective of the others around us. Those who suffer more understand the sufferings of others, those who experience hunger know what it is for others to go hungry and etc. Yet, with all the information around us to adequately equip us with the wisdom of the suffering and pain of all those around us, our selfish nature seems to prevail most of the time.

I used to be a bad tempered selfish brat that only cared about what I wanted, this eventually developed into how I wanted people to feel because obviously most of the time, I couldn’t get what I want and somewhere along the way, I realized that it was a downward spiral of negative emotion and desire which is selfish above all else. Eventually, I also realized that getting what I wanted out of the spite of getting what I wanted, never really filled that gap of want in me. That was where I started to learn to start the chain reaction of goodwill which would only come back to me and others I cared for… that was my first frail understanding of karma. What I want can pass as easily as a thought in my mind but the karmic ripples of thought and action could eventually rupture into a tsunami of destructive thought waves.

I’m 30 this year, I have met almost every kind of person there is to meet… by learning not to judge at an early age, I was able to befriend everyone from a junkie to a religious fanatic… by understanding the state they were in and why they are the way they are, forces you to accept why they need to be, who they are and what makes them tick. That in turn forced me to dig deeper in myself to see why I am the way I am. This cyclical inner self diagnosis can be overwhelming and tiresome at times; but it made me look at myself in the 3rd person for the last 10-15 years. That is why sometimes I am not even sure who I am, let alone the purpose of my existence.

With meditation and thought, I begun to see that what is, is, and why I exist? Is to simply exist. And to exist as me is simply not enough as we all exist as one and as many. Under a microscope we are an individual, but as a whole, we are one enormous conscious and sentient being, every single matter in the universe is a part of us. So to be selfish on a full scale, we would have to fill every want from everyone, which is impossible, so the next logical thought process would be to eliminate that pointless want. And that is why Wisdom and Compassion goes hand in hand. If you understand selfishness in love and in hate, then it would make sense to you to love all of ourselves (everyone around us) and hate all that would make any of us feel pain and suffering. And to achieve that, each of us would need to attain enlightenment, god’s grace and/or Allah’s love, for IF it can be possibly deduced that the billions of us are as one, why can’t the beliefs we have be similar, but merely tainted by interpretation and translation. For, it takes courage to love someone, but great courage to love everyone. So if you are innately selfish, like 99% of the world, you need to rethink the scale of the self that you comprehend.

The more you struggle the more that sand pit of suspicion, doubt and jealousy will eat you up, where your reason and clarity will quickly be devoured by the hungry belly of acceptance. You’re in so deep you justify every intention, waiting for the sun to shine… but little do you know; only the cold lonely rain will wash it all away. Is it wishful thinking or denial? How do you know when your eyes have been tainted with so much and your mind enveloped by your heart? I know how you feel, I can imagine how it is to be caught in your own web of deception to hold together this fragile state you are in with barely visible threads that could be broken by a gentle breeze. I cannot blame you for the way you are, your heart is no longer yours for how can you think for yourself when you are only thinking for him/her? It may all appear crystal clear to me because I stand and watch on the outside thru this looking glass, how do I reflect this upon you? Detachment helps us to see clearly, but love will keep you alive… I guess we’ll leave it up again to the sands of time to unveil everything to you. In the fire of love, hate, deception, jealousy, and pain… the sand will heat into a mirror where only your reflections prevails and you will see that all the happiness and pain stems from the person you see in that reflection. So how do you want to feel?

OCCUPATION101

Read more on www.occupation101.com.

A reciprocated reply would make a world of difference, but this unrequited love has sapped the light out of you, now everything doesn’t matter anymore. Taking its toll on you, as every misleading beacon in the midsts of this mist sends a happy spree of hope like a surge of dope into your veins, and the withdrawal seems to kill a little bit of you every time.

This happiness is a drug and in its depression is the only comfort it can offer. How much before you break? How many breaks before you can muster the strength and declare that you had enough? or How long more can you wait before you tell that person how you really feel? For love that is one way, it is to love, but to love in vain…  Get the rejection out of the way and move on with life, wallow in this misery and taste the bitterness of loneliness. But what if the love is requited? I guess you’ll never know till you try, so wear your heart on your sleeve before it is too late, realize the fear that your throbbing heart may eventually cool and be shielded by a wall of ice built by an architect of pain. And it will take a tremendous amount of amourous heat to melt that coldness away, if ever you are to love again.

(Dedicated to one of my readers who requested a writeup on a one-way love affair)

We are the infinite trapped in a dream that limits and belittle us. Wisp of mists dancing frantically but construed by the forms that had been taken on, until they dissipate into the emptiness of space. But just a thought of an idea can solidify this mist of dreams into reality… reality that is as real to us dreamers as we want it or allow it to be. And many dreams have and will fade like the silhouette in the shadows but nothing can stop us from dreaming again. As bittersweet the cycle of forms, it is our decision how sweet or how bitter what will taste. So taste all the flavors of these dreams, and sample all of life by keeping our dreams alive. Without tasting the dreams, living your life, we are merely sleeping.

Happy New Year to all, for all your dreams will never fade away if you always remember the dream.

Can’t help thinking its strange that the clouds aren’t closing in… sometimes we’re so used to wallowing in our sorrow that when things are going great, you sorta want things to go wrong pretty soon. Heck, maybe thats why I haven’t been able to write much lately, there just isn’t anything I have to bitch about or ponder lately. Its no wonder that happier people are usually simpler people. I just hope i’m not becoming stagnent… if i start smelling a little stale, I might just have to create some problems in my life. So I won’t feel like a peg in a clockwork sometimes… hmm, maybe thats why women love to create drama so much, and hence, the females usually have higher EQ than men. so my new equation for today is that: conflict + alcohol = growth + alcohol (alcohol can be replaced by herbal supplements but is not an integral part of the equation) =) Damnit, I’m running out of excuses to drink.